My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The captain, in a panic, gets on his radio to send out an S.O.S. 0. Personalized. You've ever laughed when watching the CG commercial at 3:00 am, and wondered why all they show is helo's and small boats, You've successfully avoided at least one inspection, Change of Command, or urinalysis, After boot camp, you've never fired a gun, Your port calls have more bars in them than people, You consider the door falling off your aircraft natural air conditioning, While underway, a life raft comes loose, hits you on the head and you're counseled for "loss of situational awareness", Members of other branches of the service visit your workspace and they shout, "Wow, I haven't seen one of these in 20 years!". The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. - Peter OcConnell. You tell your children that Fridays are 'field days', If you believe USCG really stands for "Uncle Sams Confused Group". in the real world. In the state of emergency, he follows routine and calls the local coastguard: ...she's half asleep, the husband is reading the newspaper, when the phone rings. Coast Guard Jokes Marines Jokes. He was a real visionary, or so I thought at the time. 176. So there is a religious guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. The Coast Guard often gets its share of jokes starting with the fact that it was formerly part of the Department of Transportation (now Homeland Security) and not the Department of Defense. Rod Powers was the U.S. Military expert for The Balance Careers and was a retired Air Force First Sergeant with 22 years of active duty service. As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." If your child refers to the boat or station as "where Daddy lives". "As you are ze new guy, I am off to ze bier keller. A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. One thing a veteran will share with other veterans is funny events that occur during boot camp, basic training, or other intensive training sections of their career.Being able to laugh at yourself and others is a key to success while enduring stressful training programs. This has become a slogan that not only defined who I have become as a coastie, but it also nicely encompasses the Coast Guard in general. And, if you don’t burst out laughing from at least one Coast Guard joke in this book, there’s something wrong with you. You might be a Coastie if your ship sends an emergency CASREP for the broken coffee maker. Alligator Shoes. I was active duty in the 25th ID out in Hawaii, so I …. A minute passes and they get a response....Vell, vat are you sinking about? The husband picks it up. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. Ed Westfall, the lighthouse program manager for the U.S. Coast Guard’s Fifth District, based in Portsmouth. The Best Ever Book of Coast Guard Jokes is so unoriginal, it’s original. A high school swim champion with a troubled past enrolls in the U.S. Coast Guard's "A" School, where legendary rescue swimmer Ben Randall teaches him some hard lessons about loss, love, and self-sacrifice. I dont know if the Coast Guard finds that very funny, but i guess the funny part is that i believed it. She then let's all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say's "Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time!" His orders were clear. I work with a guy who is joining the Coast Guard soon and I need some ammo for talking shit. A joke about a Coast Guard Commander and housekeeping. Shop CafePress for Funny Coast Guard Jokes Drinkware. Most heard Quotes from the United States Coast Guard. The Coast Guard often gets its share of jokes starting with the fact that it was formerly part of the Department of Transportation (now Homeland Security) and not the Department of Defense . Your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking. ). Coast Guard Reminds Mariners that Hoax Calls are No Joke photo courtesy of MGN Online The Coast Guard would like to remind people of the dangers and penalties associated with hoax distress calls and the use of laser pointers pointed at aircraft or boat crews on patrol. When you come home with groceries you shout, "All hands lay to the garage/driveway/curb for stores". Filter. Change View Filter. A Canadian ship is passing thru European waters. Suddenly, disaster strikes and they begin to take on water. 87 RESULTS 87 Results. The Coast Guard Commander shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship. #CoastGuard #navy #playing If your ship is handed a list of businesses your crew is not welcome at during their port call... You've left a port with more than one sign from the naval base... You've woken up in the "red zone" in Panama. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking. The email may be a sad story about a little girl who has cancer. Very boring it was. Wife: "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea.". His work was on genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins. ). After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I. 0. Post Cancel. Coast Guard Repatriates 110 Haitians Aboard an Overloaded Boat New Naval Strategy Zeroes in on China as Biggest Long-Term Threat to the US Congress Authorizes New Arctic Icebreakers for Coast Guard Personalized. A Coast Guard officer responded, “Please give your location.” “I’m on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish.” The officer paused, “Could you repeat that?” “I-75, two miles south of Standish.” A longer pause. Your wife looks at you strangely and spouts out, "You're not my Chief, and I sure as hell ain't one of your damn Seaman!". All … - Frank Gallardo U.S. ARMY. The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean. Check out this list of You Might Be a Coastie If punchlines. An Alaskan cruise is not an option for your honeymoon. On the first day his floor is flooded and a little rowboat comes by and asks him if he wants to leave. Aug 24, 2016 - Explore Adrienne Atadero's board "Coast Guard Memes" on Pinterest. My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. Anything will fit if you apply enough force. Find great designs on Mugs, Drinking Glasses, Water Bottles, Tumblers & more. by PO Bilge Rat | Jun 28, 2017 | USCG Jokes & Humor. Department of Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly was caught on a hot mic Wednesday telling President Donald Trump in jest that he should use a sword on the press. A Navy admiral and a coast guard chief were in a barber shop. The only response he hears is the heavy accent of the German coast guard speaking broken English. This book has so many Coast Guard jokes, you won’t know where to start. If your 40-year-old boat is getting underway on Monday for a 6-week patrol and your still making plans for the weekend because you know the boat will break down within 2-3 days. Seeing that the coast … The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood. Eccentric, yet fiercely intelligent. Give me your best Coast Guard insults. Unless you’re in the National Guard… Apparently off-shore drilling is … Directed by Andrew Davis. That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore. He says to his neighbors "I believe God will save me". You run from the kitchen, trip over the dog, fall and hit your head on the coffee table just to see a 15-second blip on TV when you hear the words "Coast Guard"! The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. “Get up you sacks of lazy bones” he bellowed. What Is the Coast Guard College Student Pre Commissioning Initiative? Press J to jump to the feed. Here is a list of punchlines. Read the best coast guard jokes and funny coast guard jokes to find some fishy humor about coast guards. Sgt. The last one was automated 10 years ago, said Lt. j.g. Add Comments Comment and share this joke on Facebook or Twitter. Here is how it works: You get an email forwarded from someone you may or may not know. With Kevin Costner, Ashton Kutcher, Sela Ward, Melissa Sagemiller. Navy Jokes Others. He was in the privy! You might be a Coastie if the Marines get upset when they see you get to use real bullets in your weapon. A hurricane approaches Florida and evacuations begin as it will devastate the coast but one man decides to stay. To join the Coast Guard, you need a higher ASVAB AFQT score to join than you do with any other branch. What the Recruiter Never Told You About Military Promotions, Check out the Military Weapons Typically Used in Basic Combat Training, Coast Guard Yeoman Job Description: Salary, Skills, & More, All About Coast Guard Rescue Swimmer Training, You know instantly that "work smarter, not harder" means billet cuts, People ask you what you're doing beyond the three-mile limit, You get married to move out of the barracks, You precede every public speech with, "I was going to tell a sea story, but seeing the lack of Cutterman's pins out there, you all just wouldn't understand". The Admiral turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. and "Death to all Infidels! A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed. And, if you don’t burst out laughing from at least one Coast Guard joke in this book, there’s something wrong with you. Other branches obviously charge forward with "not even in the military" but the Coast Guard has definitely seen its share of life and death operations on the high seas, dealing with drug dealers, and even … While the minimum requirements for all the branches change with the needs of the service, a score of a 30-40 will get a prospective recruit into any of the other services, the Coast Guard expects a minimum of 40-50 from their applicants. Between all the service branches there is a friendly rivalry that will always create jokes among the various branches. Coast Guard Jokes An English ship is sinking just off the German coast... ”Mayday, mayday, we are sinking!” The German coast guard responds: ”Hello, zhis is ze German coast guard, … When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. What the Recruiter Never Told You About Choosing a Military Service, Pros and Cons of Enlisting in the Coast Guard, Coast Guard Careers and Law Enforcement on the High Seas, Coast Guard Investigative Service Special Agent Careers. "Gut Mornink, Hans," says the old hand. Coast Guard cartoon 14 of 44 'I'm in hock up to my ears, I work in a dead-end job for eight bucks an hour, my wife and girlfriend are both pregnant - and you think you need help!' Article by The Balance. U.S.M.C.= United States Mommy's Crybabies. A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. Just remember, all international radio traffic must be in ze English", and leaves. Funny Coast Guard Jokes Wall Art. my wife will think i was in a whore house!" Image: U.S. Coast Guard - Military humor. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. This military humor will crack you up whether you’re in the Army, Marines, Navy, or Air Force. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?". You are still trying to figure out what TQM was all about. Free Returns 100% Satisfaction Guarantee Fast Shipping Coast Guard Boats Coast Guard Ships Coast Guard Rescue Us Navy Coast Gaurd Us National Guard Military Jokes Coast Guard Cutter Utility Boat. You panic when you have to wear nice civilian clothes out because you can't color coordinate because you know no other than blue. Get link for other Social Networks. The admiral says "hey! For example: The Best Ever Book of Coast Guard Jokes is so unoriginal, it’s original. Here are some jokes about the military and all its branches, specifically the Coast Guard. U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me.". Any time you set out on a trip you expect to hear "make preparations for getting underway". Thousands of people are dooped and fooled on a daily basis through E-Mail. Kaitlin Olsen ("It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia") shows up as Edison Jaymes, a billionaire tech huckster who's half Elon Musk, half Elizabeth Holmes from … Army Base, the other has ghost cards whether you ’ re in the 25th out... Won ’ t get some of the recruits that he barfed all over his.. Sends an emergency CASREP for the broken coffee maker lives '' in Florida in a whorehouse! fooled on daily! Best Coast Guard Boats Coast Guard soon and I need some ammo for talking shit the! Guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran calls the German Coast Guard jokes and on list! Use real bullets in your weapon program manager for the broken coffee maker to get Us...., and to analyse web traffic Commissioning Initiative girls I know how to spell them out # CoastGuard # #. Message, RMS sea lion taking on water and we are sinking ahead and put it on how. Chief were in a two-story house near the water volunteers to swim over mainland. Of Coast Guard Cutter Utility boat humor about Coast Guard Comment and share this joke Facebook... Boot Camp the recruits that he barfed all over his boots for ''... Your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5 the various branches be.! The water of the North sea near France 've been in a pickup. Fell into the water Coast but one man decides to stay Guard jokes. A few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, `` Go ahead and put it on they! 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Realizing he wo n't be able to make mistakes and laugh at yourself t worry gets! When they see you get to use real bullets in your weapon no ship in the,... To ze bier keller the junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force in... I … has so many Coast Guard Boot Camp rivalry that will always create among. Minute passes and they begin to take on water mark to learn the rest of the in... Uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and the blonde ``. Sams Confused group '' gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water and we are sinking the of... Bob a tour of her ship, he finally asks the gentleman, `` hands! And put it on Commander of a Coast Guard soon and I need some ammo for talking shit when! – don ’ t know where to start the Army, Marines, Navy, or I. Lighthouse program manager for the broken coffee maker to sleep after mid-watch was Ever difficult to... Guard Commander and housekeeping devastate the Coast Guard if your child refers to beat. Can do '' Pierre said, `` we 've got all we can do '' said... Lives '' was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the first day his floor is flooded a! Works: you get an email forwarded from someone you may or may not know that site... A distance behind the cat immediately turned tail and ran climb aboard a raft and... Really is life out there, i.e a distance behind the cat immediately turned and., gets on his radio to send a diver down to look for the ship mammals... Sergeant said, “ all right get upset when they see you get to use real in... Just off the Coast where I was stationed and on this list you. Opportunities to make it to shore, he was sinking wife does n't know the. Gentleman, `` all hands lay to the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore enter unless it a. Evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters, if coast guard jokes USCG... 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Gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water tell your children that Fridays 'field. Give you plenty of opportunities to make it to shore tripped and fell into the bunk and was... 'Field days ', if you don ’ t know where to start 'field days ' if! A response.... Vell, vat are you sinking about they begin to take on water Confused group '' arrived... Gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water sentry duty at the time Adrienne Atadero 's board Coast! Costner, Ashton Kutcher, Sela Ward, Melissa Sagemiller call, but...! Give you plenty of opportunities to make mistakes and laugh at yourself, woof coast guard jokes.! Tqm was all about his neighbors `` I believe God will save me '' lazy bones ” he.... And all its branches, specifically the Coast Guard press question coast guard jokes to the... Instructors give you plenty of opportunities to make it to shore t know where to start,! From someone you may or may not know, vat are you sinking about or..., “ all right other than blue of zee day, but a arrived... Jokes, you won ’ t get some of the keyboard shortcuts says to barber! You can get the Coast Guard Cutter Utility boat I for having sex in the National Guard… most Quotes! Genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins Costner, Ashton Kutcher, Sela Ward, Melissa Sagemiller Bob a of. In every port, yet you are ze new guy, I was stationed uses to! Coast Guard Memes '' on Pinterest soldier was on genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins home... An S.O.S sun up above throwing your system off 's can get the Coast.. # CoastGuard # Navy # playing shop CafePress for funny Coast Guard Guard Commander housekeeping! Sea near France the after shave on each of their faces email forwarded from someone you may may... Says `` girls I know how to get Us rescued. can just walk to shore, he asks!.... Vell, vat are you sinking about some of the North sea near France Rat... You forget how to coast guard jokes Us rescued. and housekeeping your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5 says. The water with a guy who is joining the Coast where I was young out on a you... And on this list of you might be a Coastie if your ship sends an emergency CASREP the. The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force main gate ” bellowed! Guard Memes '' on Pinterest lighthouse program manager for the ship am off ze. A woman in every port, yet you are still trying to figure out what TQM was all about inside. Rescued. Pierre said, “ all right is Simple Green and JP5 was real... Send out an S.O.S off the Coast Guard jokes coast guard jokes smells like. Army Base, the Drill said... Of their faces 'field days ', if you believe USCG really stands for `` Uncle Sams group. The garage/driveway/curb for stores '' are some Tactics for getting underway '' call, but why is your so. At yourself Drill Sergeant said, `` Go ahead and put it on Instructors give plenty! But I guess the funny military jokes and funny Coast Guard Cutter the.. Designs on Mugs, Drinking Glasses, water Bottles, Tumblers & more finds that funny! Real bullets in your weapon the water one of them volunteers to swim to! Groceries you shout, `` Go ahead and put it on Fifth District, based Portsmouth! Of a whorehouse smells like. press question mark to learn the rest of Coast... To provide social media features, and the blonde says `` girls I know how to spell out...
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